Thanks for sharing with me. I just feel like I am sliding into a black hole and can't stop. There is fear, anger, confusion, denial, but just when I think it is all wrong I think back when I have seen people that appeared one dimensional, thoughts in my head that get so loud I can't think, seeing myself from outside myself, fearful John, 16, and my anger. I can't deny them, They exist in my mind as real as I exist. Last night I think it all hit me as I was reading other posts. There is so much here that I have experienced. I just don't want it to be so.