I saw dbtT today. It was...not a good session. At all. It wasn't horrible, but there was no connection. T got up twice to check on her puppy in the next room that was crying, loudly, the entire time.

I did basically none of the talking, until the very end when she asked me, in complete seriousness, how I wanted to spend my last 4 minutes. I just cried.

I wish I hadn't gone back, because when I saw her last week it was good and I said almost everything I needed to say. It would have been a good ending.

I do have 2 more sessions scheduled this month, but I'm not sure I'll keep going. It just hurts, doesn't help, at this point. I thought we were going to do some closure-type stuff, but it doesn't look that way.

I called her this afternoon and left a message. I told her I want her to know how grateful I am to her. I thanked her for all the times she's been there for me, all the things she's taught me, all the crap she's put up with from me. I told her I know I was difficult, that I pushed her limits and her buttons and probably triggered her at times, and I thanked her for bearing with me through that, and for supporting me through so many hard things, and that I'm sorry it had to end this way, but it is what it is.

I reminded her of the first conversation we had after my last suicide attempt, how I called her from my bed in the ICU and she said, over and over, "I'm so glad you're alive." I told her I've thought of that probably every day since then, and that it was the first time in my life that I ever heard those words, and I wanted her to know how powerful that was. I thanked her for that, too.

I ended by saying that what I want her to take away from our relationship is the knowledge that she did a good thing, that she helped me so much, and that I am and will always be grateful.

It was sad and I cried, but it felt ok. I had a moment, after I hung up, where I felt myself coming apart. I wanted to call someone, to reach out to someone and say "tell me I'm going to be ok, tell me I AM ok" and then I just took a breath and told myself, over and over "I'm ok. It's ok to be sad. I'm ok."

And I am. I am sad, and I am okay.