wow, I spiraled out pretty bad in the past couple of hours. Thinking about that last sui attempt kind of got the subject stuck in my brain, and with that and all the unresolved feelings about dbtT...I just spun out. I actually went and talked to a counselor at the crisis center, and it helped.

I think I hear my wise mind telling me, screaming at me, to see how dysregulated I get when I interact with dbtT. I have been forcing myself to do it, to finish things the way we agreed to, because it's what I am "supposed" to do, and mostly because I don't trust myself, don't trust my own wise mind.

But, really. I didn't see her for 2 weeks and I was feeling better. I see her for an hour and spend the evening in compete emotion misery. It's not running away if I don't put myself there anymore, it's protecting myself and my hurt, vulnerable parts. It is OKAY to do what feels good, if it's not destructive.

I need to just let her go, let go of the idea of holding onto her in some small way, just let it all go and move on.