*PROFANITY USE*

Sometimes, I just hate her. Here is the reason.

I need her......and I am tired of needing

I spent most of my life in therapy, because my mother said I was crazy.
I spent most of my time in therapy wishing the therapist would read my mind...and know the things I couldnt tell, I fantasized about them taking me home and being my new family. A happy one.

I expected to be saved from my life and it never happened.
After so many years, I look at my current T which I just started seeing. and Ive reached a point where I dont want to be helped any longer, She asks questions and I feel like I she wil never understand. I feel like she has some pre-existing script she says to everyone, that I hate her and still come in every week.

Im tired of hoping that things will get better....even in the smallest things like people not treating me like sh** every day...but each time I try to move on. I try to do better, be it at school, at life , at my attitude, everything gets ten times worse, someone I care about dies, something I thought was okay isnt anymore.
Then I come in and tell her what is going on and she tells me some sh** like I have to think moreabout me...I have to blah blah blah. But when I go to talk to some person, they treat me like crap for no reason, and I go home and im treated like crap....and SO MANY EFFING YEARS, its like being permanently gripping to your stomach for years because of the pain, and shes asking me to just stand up and walk...but I can only stand up mid-way...and each time I think and I am stupid enough to hope Im actually standing up taller each day...someone comes and punches me harder in that same spot...and I cant effing get up anymore Im TIRED.
and at this point Ive been walking around gripping my stomach and walking limp so long...its all I effing know...
and then she says.... *Its our time up*..and I leave that dumb office where I need a lady with a bunch of papers hanging on the wall that mean Im a dumbass because ive spent my whole life in this same office...when I should have stopped pretending everything was going to change...listening to some lady who waves her hands as she talks and asks me how I ****ing feel, what ...while she goes to her fancy house and I go to my house where Im trapped? Yeah..let me get better just to have someone push me back down.....while she goes home to her ****ing manhattan penthouse and her college degree.

Then I come back the next week.