i asked my T what she would have done if i had decided to miss those sessions.her response was confusing.she asked if this was some kind of test. umm no i wanted to know the answer.then she asked me what i thought she would do(Didn't answer the question)she said she didn't know what i wanted her to say or what i wanted from her(To answer the question)the rest is a blur.i was and am so full of shame and all for even thinking about asking her this question.i just wanted to die and not be there.it was so stupid to asker her anything.i didn't understand her response.will never ask another question again.i promise.god i feel so crappy.i really think she was angry at me asking her this. i think her answer was something to the affect that what could she do?she would try and talk to me about why i would decide this and that T isn't about her doing anything it is about talking that is what she could do.it isn't like i would come to your house or anything.i just don't understand her response she seemed so angry.i wanted to take it all back.disappear right then and there . then she said it wasn't fair that i expected her to answer the question and i wasn't going to answer the questions she asked me (but she didn't answer).I'm so confused.

i did tell her that i was feeling so angry at her because i thought she was giving me and ultimatum. she said that was how i heard it and some other stuff.i was completely spiraling out and could only process some of what she was saying. she said it was black and white thinking and that we need to talk about where that comes from and then when i shrugged my shoulders she said that i do know where it comes from.i didn't know and i don't know .i have been told this before and people have used this term with me.i know what it is but why and how i have no idea.i never payed any attention when it was being talked about wanted nothing to do with it.i would get angry violent or anything to not hear it or deal.so no i don't know why i do it or how or anything.

then she wanted to know how i felt about her answer i think and i told her that i was scared she was angry at me for asking her that question and for telling her that i was angry at her(All of this was a huge mistake)she asked some other stuff and i couldn't answer but then she asked me if i needed to check with her to see if she was angry at me so i wouldn't have to wonder all week and worry about it.that maybe i should ask henope no way i already made the mistake of asking her one question I'm not stupid .i learn from my mistakes and am cured from ever asking her anything.i told her no that the worry will go away and she said OK and i left.still worried but i couldn't ever let her know this.life sux