*sigh*

I saw T yesterday, and I allowed us to go back to the issues with my neck. I described that my neck feels like it's not a part of me. Not human. More like the tin-man....metal, cold...and T wanted me to pay attention to how my neck feels and try to give it a voice.

It was SO HARD for me to put words to it....all of those forces within me that struggle....UGH....I couldn't speak.

I then felt a strong burning sensation in the back of my neck which I didn't feel before....and still feel it now.

I told T that my neck is angry....My neck is angry at me for not doing a better job of protecting myself....with my friend, with my ex...and then it took me back to one of my earliest CSAs...

I imagined a voice - was it me? my neck? my inner critic? - telling me how I put myself in those positions...that I never should've gotten on his bike...It wasn't part of the plan. I made a bad choice....and that I've continued to make bad choices throughout my life, leaving my neck to do the work of trying to protect me when I made such STUPID choices....

At the end of the session, I felt so wiped out....and felt so much self-hate and self-blame.....T said that I am putting an awful lot on a 5 year old....And I could feel myself filling up with such HATE towards that 5 year old....

Is this part of the process?

My rational mind can tell me to the moon and back how it was not my fault and if it wasn't me, I would be feeling such sadness and compassion for that little girl and so much anger towards the abusers....but that does not change my experience of what's happening inside....

I then wonder....if I did apply my rational mind's view on myself...then that would mean giving up the sense of control that owning it brings...and to really feel and accept that sense of helplessness and vulnerability.



Also....There are people around me that want to develop a closer friendship with me...My T was thrilled that I am venturing out and trying new things, trying to expand my social network....And now I'm scared to death, because I don't trust myself to recognize the signs of getting into an unhealthy friendship/relationship....it's my pattern. There are times when I think I'm making great decisions...and then realize after the fact how they were just the same as the others. So, now I look at these people and question every single possible motive they could have...which leaves me then feeling even more self-hate.

It's like an endless cycle....and I have no idea how to get out....