It's definitely part of my process and I think it (self blame/hate) had a function, a positive role, back when I was young. I too have a rational brain that despite my best efforts, cannot convince the rest of me that I am not to blame (or bad, or stupid, or insert any other noncompassionate statement you can imagine) because I complied with the CSA my abuser demanded. I did what he said to do and I never told anyone. So the only way that I could deal with my self hate was to split it off and basically lock it away. No way for me to understand when I was a child about the impossibility of trying to fight off someone big, or about the wisdom of complying rather than getting hurt for not, etc. I think I only understood that I was bad, because *he* couldn't be bad, and I need to "act normal" in my everyday life and the only way to do that was lock away my badness. (of course that doesn't work very well, it's leaked out my entire life and influenced me in many negative ways).

But when I have tried to directly relate to that younger part of myself, there's been hatred. That too seems leftover from childhood, that's how I have always felt. that's what splitting does.

Now it's starting to transform as I find some small sense (I have lots more work to do) of compassion for the part of me that got locked away. I have probably more understanding than compassion, as now I basically wish she would go away, but I try to find ways to approach her and what she has to say.

So you are perfectly normal and it is a huge step to realize where you are in this normal process. It may not feel like it right now, but it will get way, way better.

Anne