I can so relate to what Anne wrote above, and to the things you wrote, MUE. It stinks that it has to be SO painful.

It really is a process, and you are doing it. My T promises me that it won't feel like this forever...and it won't feel like this forever for you, either.

I wonder if you can do something nice for you, and your child inside, tonight? For me, it's soothing to color mandalas, and when I am trying to make myself be nice to her, I will color a little. Wrapping up in a warm blanket with hot chocolate feels good. You deserve something nice.

As for the friends...I really get that. I have a big, big desire to connect with people, and at the same time, a fear around it. I was burned pretty badly by some "friends" in the past year, and it hurt and made me question my ability to choose the people I want to have around me. On the positive side, though, I learned some things about who I want around me, and what I *don't* want to be around (gossip, meanness). I've had some friends around me for years that I was never very close to...I guess they were somewhere between acquaintances and friends...and I think it was because they were *too nice*. I've realized that I WANT nice, and I DESERVE nice. And I started working on my friendships with them, and it feels good and safe now. I haven't told them my deepest darkest secrets (and won't), but they did support me through a difficult time recently, and didn't judge me, and still liked me. That was huge. And I support them, and we laugh together A LOT. Before, my friendships were very one-way...this feels different.

Hang in there, MUE. This is hard work, but worth it.