I have trouble feeling sincere, I lack of empathy and remorse, I have felt this way for years. I am unable to feel real compassion for others, and though I have tons of friends and a great family that loves and supports me, I can't help but feel that I will never be enough for them, or them for me. It's like being disconnected from them. You can "care" for someone's wellbeing. But loving them? Wanting to be around them? I would rather be a spectator than a real part of their lives. Once, I wrote about my family in a journal and summarized my feelings into a single quote:
"They grovel at me feet like puppies, begging for my attention and love. But don't they know? I think to myself, as yet another frantic paw is crushed under my boot, I hate dogs."

It seems cruel... but it is honest. They are drawn to me because of the mask I have created for them to use, and they long to be a part of my life while I would rather remain detached, I only pretend to care when I want something from them. Is this wrong of me? How can I learn to care for someone when I have never cried for anyone, never gotten "chills" when watching a sad movie?

Last year we studied the Holocaust. Others in my class were aghast and disgusted. I was not moved, now I know right from wrong and that the Nazi's did terrible and horrible things... but ever since I was little I have been immune to gory movies, and oddly fascinated. I do not feel very much at all, but I can manipulate emotions out of others. I am not cruel and not mean or angry. I am always placid inside while I act outgoing and fit right in with everyone else. Still- I WANT to love people and care about other people. I just don't know what it feels like. I lack empathy. When I judge someone they are either strong or weak. Worthy or Unworthy.

I personally am overprivileged, fortunate, yet completely wretched and unworthy. Why do people still look to me as a leader? How can I have no motivation, and not try hard at all, yet still be top of my Honors classes? Why do I have to over-analzye every detail of people's lives and why do I have such a natural ability to manipulate others?
Advice please?