I could never figure out why I hurt myself, but I think I finally did. It used to bother me that I couldn't figure it out, because I thought it would be easier to stop if I figured out why. But I've given up on stopping. I've tried and failed more times than I can even keep count of anymore. There's no point in even trying to avoid it.

So what's the reason behind it? I want to feel numb. Thanksgiving weekend was a nightmare. That's the only way I know how to describe it. It pushed me to the point of not feeling anything...which was a very good thing. Now the numbness is fading and I'm having moments of feeling things again. Those moments remind me why I don't want to feel anything.

It feels like everything has gone wrong, or will. Nothing seems important. I don't think anybody cares, even though logically that's probably not true. Life is just one sh*tty situation after another. It never gets better. It just gets worse. There's the thought of well maybe I don't want to just stay numb forever, because then I wouldn't feel the good things either. But then I realized something...there aren't any good things. Even if there are, it doesnt seem like it beecause I don't feel them. I don't feel them because I always feel so crappy that I can't feel it. I don't care. Feeling anything emotionally really just means feeling pain.

So I guess that's why. It makes me not feel anything. I can make everything just go away....and I don't really see anything wrong with that.