Today I woke up in a rotten mood and my mind was going a mile a minute. Since I got back from taking the oldest to school I've been totally irritable, my mind is racing a mile a minute and I have to be moving or doing something all the time. I know for me that means mania has hit.

Lurking in the background is the depression. I feel guilty because I feel like I've made life hard on my husband thanks to the bipolar. I feel terrible because I think I yell at the kids too much. I feel horrible because when the baby was screaming this morning I just kept thinking, "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" I feel bad because I just feel like I'm making life harder than it has to be on everybody. I haven't had thoughts of suicide but I've had plenty of hurting myself.

I'm thinking that maybe I need to call my psych. Of course, I say that and then I put it off thinking tomorrow might be better. As Scarlett O'Hara says--after all, tomorrow is another day! Seriously, though--I find these mixed states so exhausting. They may be worst than cycling. I wish so badly my husband could come home from work and take care of the kids so I could sleep all day but I know he can't. There's nobody else to call. I'm going to be getting a phone call from the director of the Information Sciences doctoral program in about 15 minutes to discuss if I should apply. I'm sitting here wondering how in the world I'm going to do a PhD program when I'm feeling like this so often? It just doens't seem possible.

Oh yeah--and I'm having trouble shutting up once I get going.