I can't answer why you are the way you are. I'm no psychologist but from what you say its sounds like you may be repressing something, or stuffing something deep down. I used to do a lot of drugs because "i just like them" but I realize now its because i was trying to get out of myself, i couldn't sit with myself comfortably ie being alone, drugs are not only mind-altering but can also be a very social activity. I was raped my sophomore year in high school and i went through a "hard time" as you call it, and thought i was over it. I could talk about it without emotion. Turns out that wasn't really the case, i had just disconnected from self so far but deep down those feelings of anger and hurt were still there and came up eventually about 9 years later. I would suggest a counselor, at least for an eval, i've had one on and off for a few years. Sometimes we just shoot the breeze and sometimes we talk about why i am the way i am. It just helps to have someone in place.