My version of dealing with rejection has included a sense of entitlement, which goes something like "it was really hard for me to ask for this, it is really important to me that this person give me the reaction or answer I am looking for, I hardly ever ask for anything, and I have done my job/been a good person/asked in the right way or otherwise deserve this." These were all my reasons why I should have been accepted (or gotten my needs met or gotten the reaction I wanted) rather than rejected.

The problem with this kind of thinking, which may or may not be similar to yours, is it presumes that life is not only a meritocracy but that other people are always in a position to be able to hear you and not reject you. More gradually I have come to understand that most people's responses to me (including my T, although it fortunately happens much less often there) have little to do with me-- in the quality of my asking, in what they believe about the worthiness of giving acceptance to me or even how much they don't want to reject me. Instead, their reactions to me have mostly to do with their own resources to give, with their ability to really hear what I am asking for (even if I think I've been clear about it, it seems that I'm never as clear as I think I am). What this shifted in me is that my sense of self is not nearly as tied to people's responses/rejection of me as it used to be, and that makes it easier to cope with rejection. And if I don't construe their reactions to me as information about me, then I don't feel as angry, upset, cheated, heartbroken, etc. Instead, I feel more resilient and I have some distance from it-- such as when I woke up with a bad nightmare and wanted my H to comfort me, which he didn't do in the "right" way. I could interpret his reaction to me (rather than as "he doesn't care about me and how I suffer") to "H seems really distracted right now and anxious to leave and get started working. I feel some sadness that I can't be there for me, but I appreciate that he at least made some effort." If not getting the reaction I want is understood as a function of the other person not be able to provide it, for whatever reason, then it just doesn't cause me to fall into that trap where I have gone before.

The other thing that has helped me in dealing with rejection or not getting the reaction that I want is to see the logic in continuing to ask, whether I try to find another way to get my immediate needs met or try to encourage myself for future requests, is to honor the attempt to reach out. This is Perna's point, of course, so I won't belabor that. And part of that for me is to realize that not speaking out, whether it's putting my feelings out there or asking to get my needs met, is NEVER going to result in them being met. Like, if I don't apply for that job, I'm certainly not going to get it. I may be rejected as an applicant, but I'm infinitely better off applying than not applying. Not applying guarantees I won't get the job.

Anne