I think she means she had no memories of the bad things that happened as a kid, until she was in her 30s and it all started coming back to her.

Kmb, (((((((((((((((massive hugs)))))))))))))))) i hope you can talk about all this in T, it does get easier, it takes a lot of effort and you have to get through T even if it gets worse at first, but in my experience it does ease up over time. hang in there