Granite, i know you don't think so but you are doing such a great job! You keep putting yourself out there to your T in tiny bits even if you are frightened. Your "black and white thinking" is also called "Splitting." It is a defense mechanism, and a very good one! Many people do it...I know I have. Here is a definition from Wikipedia:
Splitting: A primitive defence. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated. Fundamental example: An individual views other people as either innately good or innately evil, rather than a whole continuous being.
Here is some more info I found on it--see if you agree with it
All or Nothing, or 'Black and White' thinking is the thought pattern that allows us to generate a "flight or fight" response to danger. It is still needed in the world today, but not many times a day in relation to non-life-threatening stress (even if it feels like it is).
It is part of the most primitive of human responses:
The Fight or Flight Response.
When faced with a life-threatening situation, we must make a snap decision and act on it. There is no time for 'maybe this', or 'maybe that'.
Either decision will create an emotional reaction to allow us to fight or flee to the maximum of our ability.
Earlier in the
Depression Learning Path, we talked about the importance of tolerating uncertainty when looking to overcome depression. All or Nothing thinking is the opposite of this. In a survival situation, there is no room for uncertainty, we simply have to decide to either run away or fight. Uncertainty causes hesitation, which would increase our chances of being killed.
But these responses evolved for times that were much more physically threatening. These days they are rarely required, at least not to that extent.
As an ongoing way of perceiving reality, All or Nothing thinking is emotionally and physically damaging. If you spot yourself using this style, challenge yourself to think differently. There are particular words that people often use when thinking in this way. You can learn to spot them.
Always
Never
Perfect
Impossible
Awful
Terrible
Ruined
Disastrous
Furious
To look at how we can begin to incorporate the "gray", take for example a child failing a math exam.
They could say to themselves: 'I'm just plain stupid!' or they could say: ' I'm bad at math but I'm pretty good at English' (or sport, art, making people laugh or whatever it happens to be). The first statement is Black or White while the second focuses on lots of different elements and is not indicative of depressive thinking.
We can all make inner statements about ourselves but that doesn't make them true. Consider the following questions:
- Can I be basically an intelligent person and still do something stupid?
- Can I love my children and still get angry with them sometimes?
- Can my partner love me but sometimes be insensitive?
- Can one part of my life be difficult and other parts be easier and more enjoyable?
- Can a part of my life be difficult now but in the future get easier?
- Can some parts of an experience (such as a social engagement or vacation) be awful and other parts of it be OK?
Becoming less rigid in our thinking allows us to avoid using All or Nothing statements to depress ourselves without examining their validity. Using this 'cognitive' technique will literally allow you to spot what you are doing and therefore challenge its accuracy.
The symptoms of PTSD are intrusive, terrifying 'flashbacks' to the original tramua, which keep the brain in a high state of emotional arousal.
In this state, it is extremely difficult to think in a balanced way, because as we have already seen, when emotionally aroused, the brain's default mode of thinking is 'all or nothing'. In addition, the thought that life will always be as difficult as it is when experiencing traumatic flashbacks is a depressing one in itself.