i am new to this site. my hands are black with newsprint as i've been restarting a fire i let go in the wood stove. i broke my calm (was it real?), i curled on the couch covered in a blanket. i buried my body under a stack of blankets on the bed. couch, bed, couch, bed. and the fire died. so cold. i had to get boots on and propel myself out into the snow/rain to let the horses in for the night, and that was the only reason i got up. i haven't done this in a while. i have used constant, grueling, demanding movement and action as a suture. sure, she's fine. she can do anything. mixed with the absence of sleep, circumstances of threat, major depression and rapid cycling, is this:
tears, whether i invite them or not, are on my face, or in the corners of my eyes all day all night. i cry all the time. i am afraid of allowing fear back in. waking dreams are coming back, and i am desperate to attain a thread of understanding from my partner.
i am up all the time, taking care of everything but myself. not entirely, because i am solidly determined to fill my cup up again.
i have not been on my medications for almost a year.
i threw them all out, the millions of them, good riddance.
i sit on the chair for a moment squeezing my head and say, "i am going to lose it, it is coming."
i know i am still in the game.
and i know better than to assume i don't need help. i have walked the isles of so many hospitals. i am afraid...of what has been building, what i've been dealing with, and what i am capable of when black and white are just that. black and white.
thank you for listening.