I hate being in therapy. I don't know if it's helping. Maybe it is but I hold back a lot. I'm afraid of exposing who I really am.....who I REALLY am, to another human being. I hate the fact that I can't trust my T yet. I hate that I can't/won't completely let him in. I don't want to be dependent on him. I don't like the "therapeutic relationship" and the unbalanced nature of the whole thing (I struggle with this a LOT....I've brought it up in T and have gotten really nowhere as of yet). I hate the fact that I'm so impatient with myself. I hate the life that I had growing up and that I'm even in therapy. I hate how I'm a grown adult who can't get her crap together long enough to function like a "normal" person without therapy. I don't like how long it's taking me to "make progress" with my therapist and with myself and my problems.

I just want peace in my life. I just want to be happy. Just for once, I want to feel happy.

I had a session today and as expected, I come home and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I'm OK when I'm there and then when I leave it hits me like a ton of bricks....all the stuff I talked about.....and it hits me all at once. I'm so exhausted and out of it. I need to do math with my 8 yr old (we homeschool) and read with my kids and I don't have the energy. And I just don't care to be honest. I hate that I don't care and I feel enormously guilty for that. I have to make dinner and other stuff and I just want someone else to do it all. I love my kids with my whole heart and soul but honestly.....sometimes i hate being a mom and having all this responsibility, esp on days when I have a t session. There's no time to take care of myself. But I have to get up in a minute and get it done; my biggest fear is my kids knowing me the way I know my mom and then THEY will be where I'm at 20 years from now. Yeah, uh....no thanks. Not no way, not no how.

UGH. I don't know what my problem is. I just need a hug.