While I was sleeping earlier, I had a nightmare about my neighbour. He's let an eight foot hedge grow next to my window, but I was stood on the doorstep and somehow I could see him at the other side because of a weirdly directed reflection.

He was dressing up for some talent competition, and he had on a red and green jester's hat, with all the bells on. He was painting a dripping red lipstick smile on his face that was quite sinister, a bit like the Joker.

Anyway, in the real world I've managed to print the thing out and only had my eye fall on a couple of bits. It's away from my desk now. It's a poisoned apple. It's radioactive waste. I'm not going near it.

There's a little voice in my head saying that it's probably better to read it all, take it in, and face it. A little voice saying that perhaps I was mistaken last night, and it's not as bad as I'm now imagining, and I'll feel better if I do it. I didn't manage to read it all before, just parts, and the conclusion.

I think that voice is wrong, even though it sounds sensible. I've been listening to that voice all the way through this, and it's been wrong every single time. Nothing about any of this has been sensible from the start. I'm not going to study that thing when I'm sat here alone, because I really believe those horrible thoughts I've had before are just one step away. That step. And I can't afford to have them. I have to be here.