Thanks, Perna

Bad things that we told ourselves couldn't happen, have happened. I don't discount any eventuality anymore.

The reason this is such a big issue... we lost my Dad and brother to suicide in October 2001. We have both had a lot to deal with, we've become very close as mother and daughter. I have a lot to live with, and there's no pretending any of it away, even if I could. I can only do the best that I can at any given moment, and I really do try.

There's a point. I've seen my mother suffer. I've been there through this terrible thing that destroyed our lives and often, the only thing that keeps me choosing the same way out is that I can't do that to her. I can't. In fact, I remember being angry with them because by doing what they did they closed the door behind them and I couldn't follow. No. I can't abandon her, the way her husband and son have abandoned her.

Regarding my dog. I know that my dog is innocent. Even if he wasn't, I'd do anything for my dog, and any dog can be trained with the necessary patience and approach.

My neighbour has been living next door to us for years, even when we really did have a noisy dog. If I abandon my dog over this, how could I live with myself? I've been abandoned. I know exactly what it feels like. I simply can't bear the idea of his wondering in his little doggy way where we are, why he isn't with us, and what he did to be left in a strange place, with strangers. Plus, he probably end up being euthanised.

How could I live with myself? How could I have any respect for myself or my humanity if I allow someone else (who is deliberately cruel) to dictate the level and intensity of my misery and suffering?

And more than all this, if I can abandon my dog, whom I love and wouldn't hurt, and wouldn't put through what I've been though... then what can't I abandon? The one consideration that keeps me here so often suddenly has less weight, compounded by the above.

Plus, at my lowest points, I've not just had suicidal thoughts. It's been a lot worse than that. I'm walking in a minefield and I must not fail to spot these things and avoid them at all costs. There are other tragedies to be guilty of beside suicide.

It's all extremely dangerous.

So, you see. I'm really in a bit of an awkward place, and those who should have helped to calm things down and make peace have made it worse. I keep thinking there's a name for it. Unconnected people, involved in a weird hybrid of victimisation and mass hysteria.

The only thing I can do is be with my dog at all times, even if sometimes I have to get up at 2am in the morning to work before my mother has to leave at seven. My only defence is being willing to be his witness, although in my experience it isn't enough. I have proof that someone has lied, and the authorities are going to ignore it. That leaves me in a very vulnerable place. There is no defence.