There is something in your post that disturbs me. You have said it before but my mind glossed over it because it was so disturbing. Do people really tell you that they hope you will die? I ask the question not because I doubt what you say but find it hard to comprehend that people could be so cruel? I feel so...I am not sure how to express this emotion, it just hurts in my chest when I think how alone you must feel. I am not sure what to say, so I will look at the positive in your post. You said you don't want to go there, to your little hole where you cut. This is a good thing, just by saying it you have voiced that there is a possibility of not going there. You have given yourself a choice.
Holding you in my thoughts,
Carrie