Dont know if this needs a trigger -- i am not in a real constructive thought mood right now-- they are just jabbers of bothersom life at the moment..
I am sorry first-- I just need to get this out- I was going to try to write on the daily roll call for psych but I just read so many posts .. I feel bad for even bringing this up-- I feel this is trivial to others problems..
I put this in coping with emotions which it is- it is also relationship I know..
My emotions have been all over today- again.. I am getting tired of it a bit.
I feel like i could just burst out crying then I feel just a few moments later fine.. but then not fine.. then I will feel happy with no care, and then agian to the sadness.
Today-- well actually my day started about 20:00 12/07; I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep 12/07 form like 1800-20:00, it was real crappy but stilll it was some thing- i woke up grogy of course, but then with in an hour or so (maybe half) i was so energized and ready to go!! went to work, did my stuff and what not.. messed around and even found more stuff to do at work that I usually don't do.. I was excited for my planning on the morning-going to the store to get very little food-- I get *****y a little with my relefe due to i feel he is judging me when another coworker and i were talking about texting drivers and how unsafe it was-- and the 1st co worker i was talking to was joking around with i bet you do that-- and the relefe says-- Well she should not be doing that- in this like tone that I just flipped a little madness and i am sorry-- I was like dude I dont even talk on the phoine when driving-- I got into an accident in October yes- But that was an accident and due to I am one of the morons that is not use to driving in fog!! god damn it-- i can not stand someone to tell me what to do as if i am a moron like that, texting and driving is different than driving in the fog-- and ya know i was going under the speed limit when i got in this accident so it was not like i was just ****ing flying through and like "oh what a nice fog day, lets do 60!!!!!"... just pissed me off--
Then I go to the store, i see idiot drivers (I>E Speeding up to get to the stop light sort of stuff, Speeding 30 in parking lots going all over the place, They did scare me for sure) I get in the store I was at, I feel so happy going to get food- yeah right- between out of the car to back to the car was a different person. i felt akward with a lot, on top of it I did not have my saving card that i put coupons on for stuff so I got even less than what i planned (I Realize now it would had been that way with the card cuz as I was shopping around I was like- I have been furloughed i need to go to the food bank not the store- Needless to say i did not get much- like 6 bucks worth..
Then I get home, burst of ENERGY And like this Odd Happiness.. The apt smells for some reason, it is like I am looking at the apt in new eyes-- It is so freakin filthy I can not believe i have let it get this bad AGAIN-- and I go into clean up mode!! I feel happy, acomplished but yet agitated and mad at things too... I was going to lay into my boyfriend about the mess- then I sat down and was like I am responsible as well for it....
Not only that but a few nights ago he did the dishes-- and I am like slapping myself cuz i felt like laying into him... in addition- baby steps. this man has been alone for 10 years, then about 3 years with me... He is getting better, he has good intentions. I love him so much. i just hate the mess so much it makes me go crazy some times... but it looks nice now
On top of that my boyfriend asked that when i get home I get him up so we could do some things and hang out-- I totally spaced this out-- about 2 hours later I wake him up saying sorry- he says it is ok, he slept bad as usual and that he is sorry he wants to sleep for a few more hours.. let him do so, and tell him I will eat due to I had not eaten since before i went to bed at 18:00..... (yesterday just for a reminder)
so I debone the turkey i made a few days ago- besides eating again I am working, then finally- i eat.. i sit down, i try to use my phone for typing but i am typing into the nothing as my phone has little space, i get come to the computer.. I realize that it is close to the time that my boyfriend now wants to get up-- i delete what i had wrote, write everyone that i wish them well thoughts-- and I DO.. all you on psych central- weather i ever read your posts or you ever read mine--- weather we comment or not, it does not matter- you are needed for someone here, some one similar, some one to talk to for support.
any ways- OH I forgot what is one of the main things in between that time, knew i was missing space time.. I started to think about my brother. Last saturday he texted if he could see me-- I was unfortunatly sleeping even though it was the evening, i work nights-- i end up texting him back some time sunday (i received the tet around 02:00 sunday and did not want to wake him due to he was probably asleep).. sunday he does not text back, so monday I text him saying how is he-- he says here, I tell him that is good and no arguing with me about that... I know deep down he is depressed or has an issue-- I feel like a horrible sister right now cuz I CANT DEAL WITH HIS ISSUES RIGHT NOW---- I AM SO SORRY_ I want to give him a hug and say bro- i love you but i got my own **** right now and i wont be much help...... plus what i would not tell him- is his toxic thinking some times bleeds into me--- and i just get worse---I have trouble shaking my brother due to some times he does make sense with his rants, and rage with things--- I fear he will go back to jail as well.. part of me feels like i push him away to not be so hurt with it if he does as well which does not help how i feel
I know t told me-- I need to focus on me, I spent time already trying to help my bro but i need to me now. i just feel so crumy about it--
And i know phone calls are better than texts-- but i just cant right now...
any ways so i felt like bawling about that-- then i was like crap, time to wake up my boyfriend... I go and sit on the bed, i feel crumy stil but with in a few minutes I am happy, he is up with me... I set up the printer that i got with some points that I earned through out a whole year (yay $25 printer lol) none the less, do that... I did not follow directions, but this does not bother me- I laugh that there is actually a section for ones like me to fix what we messed up and go about from there.
My boyfriend and I spend time together, love my boyfriend he makes me laugh so much some times, but i had moments of dis-trust with him... Before we were done hanging out- i ask him, you do stay true to me right?... out of now where-- he reassures me that he does and we cuddle, i tell him I am sorry for asking..
Oh I also told him sorry i cleaned the house-- he said it looked so clean when he came out and I was saying sorry I did not finish the dishes and counter.... yeah, I dont know what to do about the sorry of that sort- they are true- i feel i have to finish it all, and that if I don't i have failed in some way, and that i need apologize for being a failure and not getting it done-- sure something with my mother is there-
Logically I know i should not be, seeing how much I had done, and left like 1/10 of it undone, and let alone not fully of rest, had gotten off of work and so on.
any ways--
also-- oh i forgot this too-- before the printer set up my boyfriend and i were sitting and tlaking and he said-- you should text my sister and ask her about the insurance
I have to go to court for the accident (i mentioned that right in october) anyways -- that is a bit more to explain and i have written enough and sure with several little posts you could get the story-- any ways- I feel like his sister is going to hate me more-- i feel like she DOES not like me right now, i feel rejected for some reason from her, i still am nice, that is a good part of me but yet the taring apart in myself with this conflict makes me nervious. I am afraid to send a text to ask what she said she would get to me.....(She prefers texts so this is ok rather than a call)... any ways--- I make my boyfriend review each and every text i send to his sister for review before sending it to her..
She sends smiliey faces and says they are on it, just need to find it.. I do step up to suggest about calling the insurance co for a copy, and that it may be faster (that part i said her brother said/my boyfriend).. she said ok to that too--- These are not really responses that I can go off weather she is ok or mad with me-- I am sure it is just my insecurity that makes me feel like she is mad at me for asking... along with other stemming issues.
Ya know i say i feel like she has rejected me, when in reality i have probably rejected her first by being so distant... i hate me.. i dont get me and i wish i could stop- it is not till almost 3 years do i see that-
any ways-- so happy with boyfriend after the text with his sister..... then as my boyfriend is getting ready for work, i am getting this "fake feel fine" again...
OH and then to read about virginia tech recent shooting.. it is upsetting we are in such a violent world and people blame '' gun groups'' comeon people it is the ''human group as a whole'' and this whole blame game on both sides just makes it all worse..
any ways- I do feel rather bettter....
I suppose I shall post-- maybe ask for it to be delted i am not sure.. i just feel all over,
I have felt, happy, content, silly, goofy, empathetic, helpful, sad, mad, angry even, annoyed, almost to rage with co-worker, failure, and... tearing apart, scared, unwanted, unloved, loved, wanted,.... all in a few hours
I know 2000-1500 is a long time-- but the above emotions i have had since 06:00-13:00 as well-- work is distant right now as far as 1800-06:00 besides the anxious to come home and excited!! and near rage with co-worker...
blah---
OH AND to top it off-- i forgot this i am so sorry but one more thing, the day after court I go see my 2nd pdoc--- for the first time, i told t i would write my list of concerns to this pdoc and maybe that would help-- still need to that, and i know i will forget things as usual and they are important ones... and not only that i still feel like failure for going to try meds some where in side of me.. another place inside of me is hopeful.
I know-- T said don't feel that way, if the meds help I am on the right track with getting better...
Best wishes all!
and as the time that has past-- i am editing now
I have gotten all excited, and proud of my dog-- He can;t be left alone, but I wanted to go to the office to get something that arrived for me and i am tooo tired to deal with his pulling and attemps to jump on people.. i left him in the bedroom as i do when i take a shower, and he actually was still on the bed when i came back
Meaning, he probably did not whine, bark, or what not-- this due when he does when i have left him out in the open or cage, he does stay still.. in one spot-- he knew i left cuz he was all excited to see me.... sigh..
I got excited cuz the thing from the office is a surprise-- and i dont even want to say it on here!! lol