B"H

hello there...

I wanted to reach out to you to help validate your feelings and hopefully make you feel better about the whole situation. Do I believe his acts rise to the level of cheating...ABSOLUTELY. This is emotional cheating which is worse than physical cheating in many ways as he is giving himself to someone else in a intimate way which is ongoing through each day, week, and month. Thereby, he is neglecting you in the intimacy department. I can only imagine the torment you feel which is demonstrated by your state of mind and stomach.

I think you need to think about what you want and what you need. Make a list of all your needs and wants from emotional to financial to family support to physical needs and beyond. Next, evaluate whether or not he meets each need or want and to what degree. I think an inventory of your needs and wants will tell you how much, if at all, you need him. If you decide you want to be with him, then you need to initiate communication with him. I am sure your top need is for him to stop communicating with this woman. I think you need to tell him what your needs are. Tell him what you want from him. Ask him what he needs and wants from you and your marriage. You may need to see a counselor if you mutually decide to stay together as communication and compromise are going to be the essential things required for you two to negotiate the terms of your relationship.

There is the possibility he is going to say he needs your physical presence while he is on leave. Is that possible in any way. He comes to where you are so your son can keep his life routine normal and stay in school. You can go to him if it is summer and he is on leave. I am not sure what his reasons for initiating intimacy outside your marriage. It could be he was lonely. While this is no excuse, you need to find a way to help fill that void. He has a responsibility to do the same within the marriage. This is not your fault, and I am not implying it is in any way. But, you may be the solution and key to prevent it from happening again...if you want him back.

When trust is broken, it can be re-built if both parties are committed to the process. I am trying to help you get to that process if it is what you discover you want. I think the first step is to think about yourself and take care of yourself first. Doing the inventory I discussed above will give you the answers. Speaking with him about what he wants is the next step. Going from there is either to call things quit as you do not have compatible needs and wants or to do the hard work necessary to redefine your relationship vis a vis negotiating and compromising wrt both or your needs and wants. If you both want it badly enough, you can re-build your relationship and strengthen it's foundation in the process. I am only being honest in saying it is tough work either way. So, if it is wrth it to you, you can try and fight for him by communicating with him. He needs to fight back for you as well. While the problem is one-sided and hurting you, the solution is two-sided and will be hard work for both of you.

I think it is difficult to just answer the question with a yes or no as to whether you can trust him again. The answer to that lay within the method of your resolution to the suggestions I gave you. I wish you well in your search of yourself. I have been through something similar but different. The solution I provided is the method we used to find our way back to one another. I on
y now realize it was the method. I was just going through all the motions of the method when it happened to me and it worked.

I will end by saying, you are completely justified to feel as betrayed, hurt, isolated, angry, and pained as you do. His behavior is a violation of your marriage vows. he needs to direct his energy, time, and focus on you, his wife, not some substitute piece of ***** he stumbled upon. He should not even be somewhere where stumbling is even possible. Unfortunately, the Internet and cell phones have opened many doors to make these types of relationships possible as secrecy is much easier and there ate plenty of scummy websites set up to enable these relationships...just look at the Craigslist personals section for starters. I imagine there are many more that cater to fostering these types of relationships. No husband or wife is abiding by their marital vows if they are engaging in similar behavior and activities.

Just know, by virtue of the supportive responses as well my own, you are not alone in this world. There is a community here that will support whatever road you take from here. I offer my personal support as well...just private message me. You have to take care of yourself now as you did when you made the decision to move as this is your life and you are the driver. You have a son who relies upon you. I hate thinking how sick this is actually making you. Take care and be well. I send you a gentle hug.

Sincerely,
Sloane