I just need a place to vent.

My life sucks right now. Well actually it's been sucking for years...and it keeps getting worse.

So it started when I was 7 or 8...Dad was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me and my mother. I started to self-injure. Became incredibly depressed. School sucked (overweight child). Fast forward. After high school I met my first husband (Bipolar, Juvenile diabetic, self-injurious for attention, drug addict, alcoholic). We did drugs together, he attempted suicide twice, I left him after the second time, then we dated once he started getting his life back together (I was trying to "fix" him, realized only he could, etc). Things were going fairly well. Then he died.

Fast forward. I meet a wonderful man on the Internet (my current husband). During our relationship I discovered that I'm Bipolar after a horrendous manic episode. A couple years after that I finally tell my husband about my other symptoms. After I told my pdoc, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. Have been trying different combinations of meds to relieve symptoms. Oh, and for good measure, an anxiety/panic disorder was added to the mix.

As if my mental health wasn't bad enough, I get physical conditions thrown on top of the cake. I've had a couple of surgeries. My second one went fine, but resulted in blood clots traveling from my legs to my lungs. Was treated for that (but kept on smoking). Four years later I had a minor surgery to remove a cyst. Because I was off my feet and I was smoking like a chimney...a MASSIVE blood clot found it's way to my lungs. Tests were run, I have a clotting disorder that makes me clot 3x more than normal. Coumadin for life. I did stop smoking. Then this year I was diagnosed with Scoliosis, which explains the nasty back pain. Also have beginning stages of Glaucoma, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, I'm anemic and vitamin D deficient.

I know this is long. I know other people have it worse than me. But all this crap sucks. I wanted at least 1 child (although I didn't want to pass down mental issues), but with clotting disorders plus all the meds I'm on now, it would be tough to change over to new meds that are safe, plus having the Ovary Syndrome makes it harder to have a baby. I've just about given up on that one. I have to be careful not to injure myself or I could bleed for quite some time, or internally.

My anxiety meds need to be changed, I'm slowly switching mood stabilizers. I'm constantly depressed, although this last week I've been hypomanic. I haven't self-injured in over 5 months, but I'm seriously wanting to. I don't feel like I have anything to live for. I feel like I'm sabotaging my marriage so maybe he'll find someone else if I die. I've made plans and arranged things for my husband. Things look up briefly, but always is followed by worse things. I'm seeing a counselor, but he thinks the tools he's given me to help my depression should work and he stopped working on anything else.

I have very few people I can talk to, and most of them I don't want to bother with all my crap (which they don't understand anyway). My husband supports me 200% and is my best friend, but I withdraw from everything and I feel like I'm slipping farther away. I don't want to fight this anymore...it's almost like I can't.

Sorry this is so long.