*** MAY TRIGGER ***

*sigh*

After being disappointed about yesterday's session...and at how I didn't gain the courage to take another step forward in trauma work....I ended up having a meltdown last night.

I was feeling all sorts of things...my insides were doing somersaults...and my brain was going haywire....I couldn't sleep....

So I purged in an email to T......telling him how "I know that we have been trying to work on this one thing, but I can't seem to stay with it long enough to accept that it's ME. It's a little girl, and I hate her. I hate her for having to be a part of me. I hate that she had to learn how to feel helpless and ashamed, and to hurt in ways that no child should ever hurt. I hate that she lived through it and went on to be humiliated even more in other ways, ending up in predicaments and relationships that just reinforced the idea that there was a magnet on her forehead that pulled in more of the same. I hate that she influences my life. She's probably the same little girl in the corner, scrambling for safety, wanting so desperately to be loved and held in a safe way - but is too fearful. I hate her...and I hate that I am left with the intense feelings of shame, humiliation...overwhelming fear and guardedness....I feel awful in my own skin. Anxious and overwhelmed. Hateful and ugly. Disgusting and damaged. I am repulsed by my own existence. I hate that this is such textbook s**t...merely a statistic...and I'm sinking...which, too, is a statistic...And when I come to therapy, all I can feel is that volcano that WILL...NOT...ERUPT...it just repeatedly IMPLODES, stopping me in my tracks. I am tired...SO tired of life...I'm embarrassed that I am still so affected by s**t that happened so long ago....F*****g pathetic."

It helped to get that out....but now I'm feeling even more embarrassed that I emailed that to T....Blech.