Thank you so much, lovely people of PC. I survived- in fact, managed better than I could ever have imagined- and it was so wonderful to read your responses in the waiting room and know that you were all with me.

Sky, I appreciate the reminder that I am in control of my therapy. Unfortunately, today was about T wanting to change our contact, so there wasn't much choice. She threw it at me on Tuesday and I've had it weighing down on me all week. I've really struggled, and couldn't get out of bed for 48 hours, which is a problem I thought was long past me.

But somewhere inside I found wise mind and a massive dose of radical acceptance and thought the whole thing through. I over-prepared, making myself a list of what to do (e.g. Step 1: sit down... I literally ticked it off as I sat down!). I made lists of what was very important to me in terms of contact, and what was less important. I had a list of statements to remember if I got too desperate. I really explored the problem from T's point of view, and considered what would make it better for her. Best of all, I went in there with a note to myself which said: She is changing things because her situation and capacity have changed. This is not your fault. You are doing fantastically well and have changed so much. It doesn't matter if she sees you, because *I* see you, and I know. Whenever T has tried to suggest any changes before, I have been overwhelmed with shame and blame and completely unable to problem solve. Today, I problem solved my *** off I was calm and considerate and grown up.

T is not herself- she seemed distressed today. She is far away and I am frightened and I miss her so much. But mostly, I am super proud. I found the healthy adult inside me and she took charge and looked after me. And now we're done, there's a part of me that wants to jump up and down and say to T "Wow, did you see that? Did you? Wasn't that amazing?" But I'm not going to. Because *I* saw. And I know it *was* amazing. And that's what matters most.