I still remember when my stepmother stated once, after I was older and living on my own, "Almost all arguments are stupid" and I thought about that and realized its truth. There's really no reason for "arguing", it is not how true problems get solved.

Since then I remember that incident and when I feel I am arguing or am in an argument, I immediately try to stop and refocus on what is going on.

Arguments seem to me to mostly be about getting our own way and, if we are not successful or don't feel heard or whatever we think we should get from arguing, that could make us feel worse? But we can't "make" other people do things or see things our way so even trying is a bad idea.

When I felt my husband was not helping me enough, I thought about life without him: I could have the man I love in my life, his income and the life I enjoyed, and take the trash out (if I wanted the trash taken out) or, I could live alone and take the trash out. Guess which I chose :-)

When we ask another person to do something, we have to remember that is our desire that they do it, not their deciding what action to take in their life and they are always in charge of their life. Our actions are always 100% our responsibility and other people's actions are always 100% their responsibility. If we do not like another person's actions (and I consider arguing/spewing hurtful words as an action on my part), we have to decide what we are going to do for ourselves. Complaining about a situation is not an action. If I feel there is a problem, how am I going to solve it for myself; that is taking action.

I "like" arguing, it would appear, since I do it too often; actually, I'm pretty sure it is just a bad habit that I use in a misguided effort to ease anxiety. I have become better aware of what I am thinking, feeling, and doing while I am thinking, feeling, and doing it :-) so now I can decide if I am enjoying what I am thinking, feeling, and doing and modify it if not.

Becoming better aware of myself and my thoughts, feelings, and actions is a project in itself and now helps me feel good about myself because I believe it is something positive I am working on and there is no "judgment" of myself involved; I have taken the thoughts, feelings, actions to a different level instead of the they said/I felt/I-crashed-and-burned immediate level. I have taken the other person out of the responsibility for myself and am working to not judge my "mistakes" (only actions can be mistakes) and to remember that thoughts and feelings are never wrong.