I also feel apathetic about completing this message. Like, who really cares? Not because you all are unfeeling people, but because I think my issue is boring and repetitive with some others' here.

Something happened to me yesterday as a result of spending all day at the women's max security prison. I feel like I have to deliberately put on a coat of steel, or I can't make it past the intimidating correctional officers, including the one who gropes (pats) you down before you can enter. The loudness of the doors. The inmate I saw visiting with her infant (brought to her for visitation)-- not my client. One of the four clients I saw has been on suicide watch for 3 weeks, pretty much since we lost at a hearing on a constitutional issue. Her case is now up on appeal. She was so pale and thin, without her glasses she was having trouble focusing and walking properly, she sits alone in a cell with nothing but a smock on 24/7. I am glad I saw her, I feel confident that she's going to be okay, but I'm just sad for her because she felt it was her fault we lost. Another client told me a lot of disturbing things from her childhood; this is nothing knew for me in the work I do, I specialize in an area of law where everyone has been severely traumatized.

Then I came home and my family was out. I attempted to eat my way through the contents of my refrigerator and I made myself feel nauseous. I slept poorly and I had my T today. I had left last week with a very clear plan for this next session, and I am disappointed that I seem to have been struck mute when I wanted to say to T that I needed to pick up where we left off last week. Then he told me a couple of stories, good ones, but I'd heard them before. I was trying to give him my bored and unengaged attitude, but instead I acted politely. I willed the contents of my chaotic head to find their way to his consciousness, but you can probably guess how well that worked. I did talk about my work yesterday but it seemed like I was educating and entertaining him-- most people do seem to find my work with (really sweet) murderers fascinating. Then it was too late to get started with what I really wanted to do so I pretended to be interested in what he was saying and he kind of went on and on.

So right now the idea of getting my T mojo back seems pretty unlikely. I suppose this too shall pass, but I"m surprised with how stuck and hopeless I feel. And I'm even apathetic about that.

Anne