I prefer isolation to the alternatives and I like the freedom to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. It is from there that I have control of my life and am not being pushed and pulled by anyone. Every attempt I make to hold my place just seems to cause drama so I endure until I can retreat again.

Relationships demand too much of me. When I relent to spend time with an old friend or a family member they always want more than I am prepared to give. I start to feel sufficated and over-exposed. They expect regular contact and to do things together. I put them off until eventually they give up and I can breath again in my quiet spaces.

I also dispise how dishonest most friendships are. Especially among women. They can be so mean behind your back. Too much gossiping for me. It always makes me wonder what they might be saying behind my back. I accept that dynamic of 'friendships' but I don't play.

Someone said to me once.... your answering machine says you will call back but you never do. I changed my message to say, 'you are welcome to leave a message' with no promise to return the call. Unless it is work related they can assume I will not call back so seldom does anyone leave a message anymore. Emails I reply to because I can pick my own time to do it.

Someone else summerized.... you are very jealous for your time aren't you? I thought about and said yes and for once it seemed okay. She understood my hesitation to socialize with her had nothing to do with her. We remained friends for a long time because I knew I could trust her to respect my wishes and not press me. She was a rare find.