I use to get how you describe yours to be. And sometimes it is still that way, but more now I hate that I'm depressed because I know nothing is wrong. Well not nothing but..

I think I have built a lot of coping skills that I didn't use to have. I did a ton of work in two intensive outpatient programs, that really made a big difference in my life. Getting older is another, and more stubborn. Too stubborn to give in, I'll do whatever it takes, no matter how painful it seems if I think it might work. Not always consistently but I'm still working on it. And I am not saying people give in, not at all. I'm trying to say I have found some will inside to live.

I still have very severe depressions at times, but less frequent. One thing I can honestly say is that I now trust myself 99% not to attempt Sui. It used to be the opposite. I think the outpatient programs really changed my life.