ok so here it is! i am 25 and i have never had sex. i am from a conservative muslim family, sex before mariage had always been out of question for me. my reasons were clear : i don't wanna have sex for just sex. i don't want to do it because i don't want anyone treating any of my sisters that way.for me it is out of respect for the other person. and if i love somebody enough i can wait till we get married. cheesy i know. but i was young and i was convinced.
now it is a very different story.
i know that love is not always meant to last forever and sex is part of most relationships and like i wanna have sex, still not just for the sake of the act, i wanna have sex with someone i trust and feel close to.
but my real problem is, i am gay. at least i think so: i get aroused by boys no girls, and got physical with 3 or 4 guys, just touching sometimes kissing xd
but i can't face it. i can not accept it.
i was really close to my family, there had never been anything i wouldn't do for them. my family i my priority. and i know how they will react if i came out. and i know what most people would say "if they really love you they will accept you for who you are". i heard that more than enough already.
i know my family loves me. and i know that they dont have a choice. they are not made this way. thay can not be accepting, it is not who they are. and i try to accept it somehow.
i tried to pull away, or get away from them for about a year and didnt work, the guilt is unbearable. i know something like that will be devastating and there will be no more family for me. in a way, i think that i lost myself along the way, when i chose to live my life to make my family's life better/easier.
it s a choice i made long time ago and i cant go back on.

today my life is a mess, more like a hell frankly. i am frustrated, i cant go forward and feel trapped. i dont seem to find a way out and it's suffocating. i thought that choosing my family over myself is hard but choosing myself over my family is impossible.
i don't know what to do, i try to convince myself i can be straight (really sorry if this is offencing) but i simply know it s not a possibility.
so i will end up living alone forever.
but then again, living alone even at my age, it raises questions, especially if you are very good looking and charming and bla bla bla bla

i am stuck and i ll always be stuck. and i am angry.
i am not asking for a solution (i dont believe there is one for me ) i just wanted to share.
thank you all