Well, I was abused, my saying so should be enough, but it never is.
The sexual abuse came at the hands of my own loving Father. I was not his only victium, there are probaly some I do not even know of. I was emotionaly abused by both parents and three much old sibblings. When You are nine you do not know this. You think your family is just like everyone elses, and you do not dare talk about the bad, cause I thought I had it good cause by the time I came along the Physical abuse Had stopped. That is the beatings, whippings, ect. Not to say the Sexual did not get violent, that just holds its on level of hell in my mind. I am not about to lay out some timeline, or chart it all out, but I hurt, I bleed, I thought I was lowwer than dirt, the worst child to ever live, and of course I asked for everything I got. I was the cause of all there problems, and for that I had to pay in shame, guilt, their perversions, blood, tears, bites, slapps, smothering, scratched, and so much worse. I know only now that was NOT asked for or deserved. My pain will not leave. He is dead. I know that but as I sleep He takes me back there choking the life from me, as he is able to do as he pleases with in his sick world where no one can touch him. I was told by my mother before she sought mental illness treatment and was medicaded as she is now That when she died she would come back and claw at my eyelids when I tried to sleep, That I could never excape the payment for the hell I had turned her life into. When sick(mentaly) she would make my brother and me sit very still and listen as she did chores and made up songs of how hell would burn our bodies, and the skin would slide from our bones because we were such evil children. She would scream at us to tell her just how much we hated her and made us scream out that we never loved her and never would. If we refused it would last longer. So from an earlier age I was made to scream I hate you you b**** at my mother or face worse punishment. She said she would write letters to our teachers and tell them just how bad we were at home, and that we saved all our bad behavor for her. So we must scream back the things she told us. It brook My heart everytime she made me and my brother scream I do not love you, I must have did that hundreds of times and everytime the tears would fall. See we put up this public front. My parents were deeply involved in our Church. Everyone thought we were a wonderfull family. I use to sit in church and pray that they would see the way they acted was wrong or other times that God would show me what my brother and I did or could do to fix it. My sisters all older some by as much as 15 years, When still at home they would tell us the horror stories of what they had gone through, to teach us how good we had it. The sister closes to me is nine years older, we were poor and us kids always had to share beds. She would tell me how here life was ruined because of be, see she had been the baby, daddy's favorite till I came along, She would tell me that I would probably die in my sleep if I went to sleep or that She could hold a pillow over my head and no one would ever know. I was not allowed by her rules to fall asleep first That got a slap or a punch she deserved to go to sleep first. I can remember being so tired when time for school and hardly being able to move, this would set my mother off. I would make her a Bad parent if I missed the bus. My Father he is a monster. He lived in my head for awhile it was all shattered up but your mind is always on and when it is ready it can show you evertything that other parts have held on to. The pain is real the blood is real, the fear of oh god please take me now. I can remember praying God let me die now let me get away from this monster. Please let me live with the angles, I guess that are the only options my childs mind knew of, I can not try and figure out why I did not speak up I left that house every weekday for 12 years for school, and church on weekends I havenot come to terms yet with why I did not open my mouth. I can remember pouring alcohol, and nailpolish remover on "myself" to get "clean". Nothing worked to stop the Idea, The shame.I just prayed to God and Tried to not hear, smell, feel, taste, see the things that i was living, so I told myself I was dead. But each time after I was not dead. And I told my self maybe next time God will put an end to me take me away, so in a way I Guess He did cause, Away is where it would go in my mind, in my life. Now my Body Has decided it is time to face things, and little did I know he was right there hidding behind those memories of the park or Christmas, Just bidding his time to take me back into hell, the monsters Hell. That is all I can bear to write for now, I am tired and as always very very ashamed when i tell this. People here Hve asked me some questions, and I have been less than forth comming with answers so I hope this can answer some. It has only brought me more questions. So when people ask me why I am here I am quick to say bipolar. and try to get by with that. Some who do not know me have even said "you just do not know bout abuse", or "I know you have not experenced this but". And you know I do not correct them caus eI wish they were right. I have tried to wait to tell my full story here as long as I could (I am just know starting therapy for the sex abuse, I am under a PDOC care as well) I hope this is enough of it to get some of the comments to change. Cause I am not strong enough alot of times to stand up to these people And say yes i tell jokes, yes I try and laugh as much as I can but that does not mean I too am A SURVIVOR of ABUSE. Maybe I can get strong enough to tell people when they say comments like that, but right now I am treading water, living my life with the help of alot of people here, some do not even know how much. Because it is simply by reading there stories and seeing their Strength to put it out for people to read. The others who think they know me or what my life has been like just because I have not corrected their wrong statements, or tell my story alot, will just have to think of me what they will. I am sure they already think they have me pegged. Thanks to those of you who have asked politly, those who have not pushed, and those who have helped, maybe now even more of the nice guys will know where I am coming from, Cause guys just cause I might not say so at times I got problems, that is why I am here. No matter what some people have assumed. I will continue to need help more probably as My close friends have told me, as I am just beging so please do not take my humor and smiles asa sign I do not deserve help or need it. THANK YOU to everyone who reads alll this huge long thing. I KNOW I CAN FEEL BETTER, I KNOW I CAN GET BETTER, AND I KNOW I NEED HELP TO GET THERE.

mangled reality