I am sorry you are struggling with this, lastyearisblank. I still vividly remember a school friend I had as a young teen whose mother was severely disabled and in a wheelchair and when the friend did something to displease the mother, the mother would require her to come over by the wheelchair so the mother could bite her hand! I could not understand at the time why the friend would go there, knowing that would happen!

I think I understand now but also know how important it is to eventually stop stepping up to the wheelchair, depending on the mother for her dubious definition of us and the false sense of being cared for/about and the comforting predictability of the interaction.