Hi guys!
I was wondering about my recent ways and if anyone can relate. Lately (amd I occasionally have been like this) its like I'm not "depressed" so to speak, it's just as if I feel...almost normal again. It's just if I constantly keep myself busy and don't let myself not have a task at hand for even a second, then I feel like it's gone. Is this normal for the constant working to be what keeps me okay? It is like living on a tightrope though, the constant need of distraction means I'm up late until I literally fall asleep out of exhaustion, usuallymidway through doing something. I don't socialise as much at times because I start on a task then won't let myself stop until it's finished. Things like this I feel are maybe why I get depressed in the first place, because I isolate myself, then if I don't do well in my opinion, I'm a "failure" and if I feel like everything isn't okay I break down. I think maybe my perfectionism is another thing that adds to that. Anyway, I've been on Prozac for a while now, I don't think it does much. I Keep not taking it for a while (until someone realises and gets angry, so I take it again because I hate People not being totally okay with me) and nothing changes. And THEN like now, I'm sat here thinking I'm fine, I'm not depressed, how ridiculous that all my past has happened!!? I'm thinking that it's stupid that I go see the pdoc and cpn etc because I have considered that, I'm fine, then I go see them and it brings back up all the "depressed" thoughts and feelings.
Could it be that seeing them is NOT helping and that getting help has had the adverse effect? Well, at times it's helped, but at times it feels that way. I just go through stages of the worst, lowest, severe depression that's like a living hell, and then stages where feel normal and just a bit anxious about getting things right. Does anyone else go through these cycles?
Also, could the stress from my perfectionist mannerisms and need to be "accepted" be the cause of these depressive episodes?
Its been well over a year now since being diagnosed with depression, and it feels like nothings changed at all I just go through a continuous cycle. Is this normal to make NO progress at all!?
Sorry for a seemingly pointless and long post that will probably be useless, I just felt like posting and it just kind of went all bleeh as I type and didn't plan it out at all. So yeah, sorry if I've just wasted your time! ~ Jess x