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PurpleFlyingMonkeys · 08:45 AM

Dear abuser;

It's been 10 years this past June... No wonder I've been having such a hard time! You are in prison right now. You are spending the rest of your days rotting in a prison cell. You will not taste the freedom that I enjoy every day. You will not see the sun set over a beautiful ocean view as I do every day. You will not get to hold your child close and give them a hug before they go to bed, knowing that the chance you lost WILL be given to them. You will not get to celebrate with your loved ones the coming year and all the possibilities that come with it. You do not get to come and go as you please, living the life of a normal person. And yet it is not enough! You have so many restrictions to you, so many things that bound you. So many restrictions and boundaries and rules you must follow. None of those rules protect me. None of those rules save me from you.

I was 14. You were 22. Allow me to say this once again. I was 14, you were 22!!!!!!!! I looked up to you as if you were the older brother I needed, one who would protect me as older brothers do for their younger sisters. But you continued to pressure me. You continued to make your move. You continued to manipulate me. You made me believe all of these false beliefs of your concern and your care. You made me believe that I was special, like I had never felt before. You made me believe that I was worth something for a short moment in time. Only to find out that your tactics were nothing more than a game to have me. Did you?

The memories are dark. You did not know that did you? Or perhaps you did. During those days I thought I was drugged. I thought that YOU drugged me. I did not know that I was having blackouts before. Did you touch me?

No one can understand my torn feelings... Even I can not... You were my mentor. You were my protector. You were the first man I willingly chose to be my guide. I was an idiot. You were an adult, it was YOUR responsibility to tell me that I was too young. It was YOUR responsibility. The words "I've done worse" do not make up for what you have done.

You are in prison now. You tortured him for 4 days before burrying him alive... You shot him... He was your friend. He was our friend. I don't even know if you would be considered an abuser to me... I don't remember moments in your home, I don't remember the night that my innocence was taken from my as you sat and watched claiming only hours before to be my protector. You watched him do that to me. You watched me say no and you let him continue.

Did you make your move? You waited so long to make a move, did you do it at that moment? Did you do it after that? You laughed at me as I cleaned up the blood from my own self not realizing where that blood came from. You laughed at me for months after that night whispering secrets to all of your friends before handing me another drink.

Did you know it was in the paper? What you told your cell mate? How you would make a "14 year old girl" believe you were "God" just to manipulate her to have her? I'm sure you don't care. You put on that robe... The robe with such dark secrets... With such hatred and selfishness... The robe that makes my skin crawl... The robe that I saw last before the blackout... The robe you thought guarded you and kept you in power... You thought you were powerful... You thought you were strong... You thought you were invincible... You thought that evil would protect you...

Still you talk about me... Still you view me as an accomplishment, a trophy of sorts... A mantle piece that has been sat next to the fire for far too long. My shape is disfigured and warped by your lack of decensy toward me. My humility is astounding and my pain seems never ending. Others do not understand the turmoil... They do not see how I was so easily confused by you... They do not see how I cared so much and why it hurt so much once the friendship was over. They do not understand the way it effected me when you murdered our friend. They can not realize that your actions during those times greatly effected me.

There is nothing that I can get from speaking with you. You are my own Charles Manson and if I saw you again I don't know if I would run in terror or lash out in hatred. You used me you abused me you manipulated me and your satanic ways corrupted my teenage years. It's a miracle I made it through you alive and in one piece, it's even more so a miracle that dispite your horrendous ways, that I continue to love MY lord, the one you turned your back on. And for that I am here alive and well, freedom blowing through my hair as you lay in a cell block and I wish for you to feel an ounce of the pain you inflicted on others as you wait the remaining years of your life alone and in your own world of false power... You are useless... Why do you still effect me?!