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I understand completely... I feel absolutely no connection with my past as of this moment... Sometimes I do more so than others... I know the connection is there because I suffer the pain from it.. But about 85% of my life I feel no connection with my childhood. As if it were another child going through all of it. I often look back and think "that can't be me" but moments like today and yesterday, where I've been highly triggered I know it was me...
My old therapist found it very interesting that when I spoke of my past trauma, that I said it with a straight face no tears shed or even a blink. I said it kind of robotically as if I were telling the story of someone I had read in the papers. But reading those stories in the papers I am much much much more involved emotionally in the wellbeing of the child than I am in the well being of my inner child but that's a whole new story...
Basically her idea is that I had an alter created specifically for erasing emotions. Apparently that's not at all unheard of. This alter apparently blocks emotions connected to my past so I can live normal. I have memory blackouts and she described it as very similar only instead of losing memories I'm losing emotions. This also explains my auto pilot responses when I'm in a more dissociative state.
Perhaps this could be the reason you feel no connection? With dissociation it can definately cause you to feel seperate from everything you knew before, I'm pretty sure that's a guideline to in some way feel unconnected to your past or who you are as a person at least some of the time... If that's not a guideline sorry, I'm not a t but I'm pretty sure it is...
This kind of thing can be both good and bad. It's helped me personally to never be suicidal and have a somewhat normal functioning life for the most part. If I did feel like that abuse had happened to me, who knows where I would be. The downfall though is it causes so much confusion and so much... Unpleasant feelings in relation to it. I hope you find your answers but you are not alone in this...
Unfortunately us with these dissociative symptoms have such bizzaare things happen and it's so rare it's hard to tell what is and what is not dissociatively related.
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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