I'm trying to build up the courage to actually make the appointment, but I have current scabs from the last time I si'd, and I so don't want to deal with it.

It would be so much easier and feel so much safer for me to just tell my husband no more sex. Ever. Not that I could actually do that, but the thought is far more appealing right now than seeing the doctor

On another note, I saw t today and it was a horrible session for me emotionally. I am already triggered just by the holidays, but then we got into the fact that my daughter may be remembering this time last year (I was in the hospital, missed christmas, and attempted suicide December 28th), and I had to think about this time last year, and the permanent emotional scars I have probably caused my daughter.

I am an awful parent to have done this to my kids. I hate myself and the urge to cut right now is incredibly strong. I deserve to hurt physicall the way she is mentally. It's my fault.