hi, net506. i am gay. like you, i was raised in a religious family (Catholic). i attended religious school for 12 years. i am not out to many members of the family though i think everyone has figured it out by now. believe me, they know you are gay. they just don't want to talk about it.

like you, i also tried leaving the family but it did not work. i have my own place and keep in touch with the family but have my privacy. i do have some gay friends but i don't sleep around a lot. i am more interested in love and friendship than relief inducing quickie sex. while this may sound morbid, your parents will not live forever and hopefully your siblings will be more understanding. so, at some point in your life, you may be able to reclaim yourself and find love.

can i ask what your nation of origin is? while muslim nations are generally intolerant of homosexuality, some are less so. personally, i have found muslims to be nice people. however, i do find their intolerance of homosexuals to be a flaw. there are plenty of sexually active gay muslims here. once, i met a young lesbian muslim who, like you, was very close to her family and knew they would not accept her lesbianism. yet, it's what she wanted more than anything else in the world. let's hope for change even though, if it comes at all, will be slow in arriving.

there are some risks even though you have chosen a very conservative course for your life. living a life without love is difficult. there may be periods of depression and loneliness. there may be pressure to marry and to start a family - your pretend to be straight life can even cause serious problems. your description admits that you suffer from sleeping problems perhaps associated with anxiety and/or stress by living your closet life. frankly, this insommnia is cause for concern and should not be taken lightly.

you are a very intelligent person. i trust your current decision is the right one for the moment. however, if the sleeplessness or anxiety / stress persists, or if deep depression or lonliness set in, i hope you will look for a way to help yourself. please feel welcome to PM me anytime to chat.

finally, i would like to add, based on a statement from another poster, that most of Freud's theories on sexuality have been proven wrong. from a practical perspective, sexuality is most similar to handedness. righthanders (the majority) are similar to heterosexuals. there is no rational reason for left-handers but, like that other minority (homosexuals), they exist and are perfectly normal. and then there are those pesky ambidextrous people who, whether they like it or not, are like bisexuals. (even the term switchhitter goes both ways!) no one chooses to be right- or left-handed or ambidextrous. they just are. sexuality is exactly like that too. both are perfectly normal human traits. genetics will eventually win out. there's no need to wait for that to happen - believe in it now.

all the best to you!