Just wondering if you realize you can be depressed without feeling sad?
(BTW Larry, this is most common in men.)

I suspect that the depression itself, per se isn't cyclic, but the sad feelings you can't handle are.

I still wish to counter the idea of an antidepressant being a happy pill. If your brain was producing, or utilizing what it would normally (serotonin) then the AD would not have such an effect. It's the fact that the normal "happy" chemical is NOT available to you, that you need the AD, imo.

Some ppl might have quick responses to ADs as part of a sensitivity, and thus can feel like they can take them on and off as needed. Personally, I would consider this rather dangerous, realizing how succinct some of the newer meds are and how they manipulate the brain chemicals, the areas of activity. Until we know more about it all, imo, it's not a good ploy. I liken it to someone who is allergic to a particular medication, takes only enough for a basic reaction they like, but not enough for any long term response.

Yes, you are correct in that anxiety is part of depression. It appears to me that you are dealing with that, it's just when the sadness comes around that you want better relief? Again, I think you may have a type of depression that is ongoing, and not really cyclic like we tend to use that word.

I hope you will find something you feel safe taking, and that you will find relief from the terribleness of depression.