I'm starting to think people are just born with this ability to communicate with eachother easily and function socially. An ability I just don't have, and never had. How is it so easy for people to just talk to eachother? Why does it seem so easy, but it feels impossible for me? I never really talk about this. I guess I'm used to it in a way...I can't remember ever being different. But when I was a little kid, I could get away with crying or hiding behind certain people in social situations. I can't do that anymore, obviously.

I hate talking. I'm just not good at it, if that makes any sense. I'm always nervous. It takes effort for me to even make eye contact. But it's not that I don't want to talk to people...its just not worth the effort and what happens if I think anything went even a little bit wrong. It helps if I plan every little detail of the conversation. Every possible thing that could happen, what could go "wrong," every possible reponse to every possible thing...then, if things go wrong? I can't stop thinking about it for days, weeks, sometimes even months. There are a few instances of things I still think about sometimes, even though it has been years. It won't stop replaying in my head while I think about what that person must think of me now. They probably hate me, think I'm stupid, never want to talk to me again, etc...It makes me even more depressed and just want to hide and never talk to anyone ever again. If it's involving a friend, or even anything resembling a friend, I'm convinced the relationship is ruined forever and they must hate me now.

I should probably define what I even mean by doing something "wrong." Anything, and I mean anything not going perfectly right means it went wrong in my mind. If someone says something and I don't hear them and have to ask what they said more than once, I screwed up. If I tell a joke and people barely laugh, or don't at all, I definitely screwed up. A moment of silence? I screwed up. People don't hear what I said because I talk so quiet (ironically because of this very problem), I screwed up. Basically anything that isn't....I don't know, perfect in some way is what I consider wrong.

If one thing goes wrong I think I've ruined the friendship or whatever kind of relationship I had with the person. It makes me want to just isolate myself from everyone. I want friends, good friends, I really do. But I'm starting to think it's not worth this. Friends always disappear anyway, but only once they're friends. I don't try to make friends anymore. It's not worth the stress and pain of trying to make friends, and definitely not worth the pain of when they inevitably disappear once I'm close to them. So far this idea is working. The people I'm not friends with, but could be, haven't disappeared. I guess I just can't have friends.

I hate admitting fear but I'm terrified of rejection. I'm afraid of people disappearing, which feels a bit like being rejected. So if I convince myself constantly that anything I consider "wrong" means they have rejected me, or that everybody hates me, then....

The weird thing is, certain situations are much easier. Situations that are structured, planned, predictable, or that I'm familiar with are easier. I know what could typically happen, so it's easier to avoid screwing up everything. I can teach a class full of kids at a karate school just fine, but I can't have a normal conversation with one or two people. Teaching karate is structured, predictable. I know what will happen. But talking to one or two people? It won't work. I can't do it. I can also handle larger groups of people better than just a few though. I can sort of disappear in big groups, let the others talk. In smaller groups there is more attention on me. I can't hide. Chat rooms are also easier, because there it's just my words. There's alot less that I can screw up. I still have most of the same worries about saying things wrong though. I freak out and want to hide forever if I say something and then the chat room just happens to get quiet for a second. But overall, it's easier.

I've never talked about this because in a way, I'm used to it. I don't know what it's like to be any other way, because this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I don't know what it actually feels like to be able to talk to people easily, or to feel very close to friends. I know I need to see a T, for this and other issues. I finally realized this is what's keeping me from doing that. Great.

What the hell.