It's just not working anymore I say this with a smiley face because I realize how the negative things, the anxious and pessimistic thinking, are just not doing me any good. And while I have no idea in the world how to go about changing it, at least I have a starting point.

I just got home from a great session with my therapist. I don't know, there's just something about her methods that really reach me, I guess. I cracked her up numerous times with my attempts at humor, but she actually thought they were funny. She gets me. She tells me that while I may not be the best at social interaction due to my anxiety, I am smart and I do have a gift in terms of creativity and self-expression. Atypical thinking, she calls it.

We started the session off on a very personal level. I brought my journal with me for the first time in weeks, and she picked up on how uncomfortable I was reading the entry I wrote last night. I had worn a T-shirt and coat to my session tonight because most of my clothes were in the laundry bin. In her office, before reading my journal, I told her how hot I was but that I was terrified to take off my coat because of the self-consciousness surrounding my appearance. I am uncomfortable with the word "weight" and didn't say it at first, and because of this, T thought I was referring to the SI scar on my wrist. She asked to see it. I cringed. I cringe now, writing this, as it's about the most vulnerable I've ever felt in therapy. But the thing that got me was how...gentle her voice sounded when she asked why I was so afraid of taking off my coat. This tone of voice she used just completely satisfied my inner child, for some reason. It was nurturing. After which she said that it really was OK to take off the coat, and I did, immediately laying it over my exposed chubby arms.

I think that interaction was the biggest thing I took away from today's session. I tend to be the kind of client who believes that nothing in therapy is too difficult to talk about (at least my therapy). Well, here it is. My reactions in this exchange were so childlike that I was shocked at my own vulnerability. It was kind of special.

I don't really intend to address a specific problem with this thread, nor does it have any real point to it at all. I guess I feel sort of satisfied by this. I don't idealize my current therapist like I did my former, and part of me misses that. But she and I get work done. Unlike with Ex-T, our conversations attempt to discover my root problem instead of leaving me confused and worshiping her presence.