I really really want to do it. This is all thats been running through my head all day, but thankfully not when I did my exam.

Want to cut. Need it. Need it want it deserve it.

Whats setting me off this time? A couple of external factors for once, and some other ones that I couldn't explain if my life depended on it.

My aunt has had a heatattack and is on a respirator. She's already fighting lung cancer, and going through chemo and radiation. Please let her be alright... I know I shouldn't, but all I can think about is worst case scenario...

cut cut cut cut. Cut it out.

Then my uncle has had an abcess removed from his neck, and is having problems dealing with the aftermath (speaking)... no reason for the abscess yet.

Roomate is still in hospital, 3rd week running. Cracked vertabrae and infection. She threw another "sickie" in December... what will happen if she doesn't come back? I can't be alone. Don't want it ... alone is when it happens... I need some sort of control over all this crap.

I'm in too much pain, breakdown today. Too much pain to deal with, so hard...

I want to do it. But I can't, all because of a stupid allergist appointment tomorrow, I can't explain away that sort of thing.

Breakdown tomorrow night, must get through tonight. Must must must must...

Tooo hard. I know I'm whining, but this is too hard.