I think for many or at least myself, I had to be okay and to perform so no one knew anything was wrong. It was the hiding and keeping the secrets to never let anyone know. It was never not there just hidden deep and away enough to not get into trouble. Even to the point of someone asking how I got that bruise, I would not show how I felt but say I fell or something. Anything to get the attention off me and to protect what I knew was not to be known.

Even now it is hard to let anyone know how I really feel. I learned very young to "Be Okay" whether I was or not. There was no question if I did not want to be hurt or abused more, and often times that was not good enough to stop it either. I think we can do what we have to do in order to be what people expect. Or even what we expect or think is expected.

Often times learning to be okay I just accepted that is how I was supposed to be. Turn off the feelings and emotions and paint on another coat of smiles and a mask that could fool the world. We sometimes get so used to what is expected that to ignore our own feelings and how we feel becomes a habit, or it was for myself.

But after everyone was gone or the night came and I was alone that is when the mask came off and the world was shut out to let down. It is not right or okay but it was how I had to be to keep safe and to keep those that expected me to just be okay and let it go at a length that I felt I could even be. Often leaving myself to another within that could be okay and do what was needed to not show depression or anything else.

With each new day the mask was put back on that had to be and kept going. Sometimes it was so hard as my insides could not match what the outside mask was showing but I did what I had to do to make it through another day. That mask some days was so heavy and the more coats and layers put on the heavier it got until I just could not go on any longer, even then I just pushed myself on.

Depression is hard enough without having to perform what is expected or what we often learned when growing up. And sometimes even now though it is not neccessary to hide it or what is really expected, it is hard to really know that is it okay to let down and let anyone in. I still try to hide it a lot but at times I am getting better. (jmo)

dps