again am really touched by all your feelings, and i mean ALL OF YOU. I know some of you feel offended,and you have the right to be,it's the way you feel and no one can deny you what's rightfully yours.
but, i think that we all have the right to say what we think, and not being judged. i really mean it, everyone is unique, had his experiences in life and a different learning curve. no one is right and no one is wrong, we are who we are, we just try to be compassionnate and, i only speak for myself, the words "compassion" and "no hater" are more than enough for me to respect someone who came through an obviously painful experience.
I guess i am just trying to say, no need to be angry, we are allowed to say what we think, and read others honest point of view and maybe try harder next time

now back to me unhappyguy & saluki, thanks for your advice. back when i made my decision i was aware of the consequences, i still am. i chose my family's happiness first, because in a way it does really make me happy. you said that they probably know, highly doubtfull but not impossible. i dated a lot of girls -i am not bragging believe me- and tried hard to maybe "adapt" and god i know that sounds offensive, but what can i say i was dumb
anyways, since my decision was made, there is no doubt on mind that i will not get married to a woman. i am not planning on dragging an innocent person down with me, so no worries there pal
i understand your concerns about my mental/physical health, and i appreciate it. it does concern me, but i found someways to cope with stress (doesn't work all the time, but still better than nothing). i pass a fair amount of time between painting and writing, and it is a safe way to deal. and for sometime i got a really close friend, that i shared almost everything with, (didn't come out), and it was good, while it lasted. after 10 years of investing a very important friendship, i nearly came out, just started talking bout a gay friend, to him and he discarded me like a piece of garbage without a flinch, just because i said i didn't care wether prople are straight or gay. and he seemed pretty open-minded to me before that. it was not helpful, it was a shock at first but i came to terms with it. i don't need that kind of people in my life. i don't believe in hate, i don't resent anyone, nor haters, nor murderers, nor judgemental people. i don't believe hate can solve anything, nothing good ever comes out from negative emotions. i am guessing i sound pretty dumb right now

ah yes, i d rather not say from which country i am, but i can tell you that i am from a very mall town, and that says about enough. yes i am at college. i am ttrying to avoid any kind of "coming out" to the world, so no support groups. i think it will only make it harder for me to be who i am today.
and to be honest, the morbid thought you mentionned, did cross my mind, more than once, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
i love my family, and i know they are really proud of who am (at least the parts they know about) and love me truly. and my only regret is that maybe one day will come they will die and they without knowing about the other parts as well.

again thanks all of you, and i will hold you to your promises : i will PM if i wanna chat take care everyone, and again, hope didn't offence anyone, never know x)