This past week, I returned to T.

T said he was glad to see me and then he said something which caught me off guard.

We were talking about how I left therapy in September and returned one week in October to meet with him. In our October meeting, I told T, I thought he was wrong. I thought he had made a mistake.

I saw T weekly. Our second session in September, we met and he began the session by saying, he was irritated with me. He said it was because I had sent him an email and "expected" a response. I HAD sent the email after an incredibly difficult week.( We had an agreement I could email him anytime and he would respond when he was able. I usually emailed him a couple of times a month. I never asked for a response. Sometimes, he replied and sometimes, he did not. His last reply had been in in early July.) I had not asked for one.

T scared me and I left.

When I returned in October, I asked T if there was a slight chance he could have been irritated with himself, instead of me. He acknowledged he had been under a tremendous amount of pressure because of another issue (unrelated to me). He said he hadn't even thought of that until then. He apologized to me and asked me to return. A part of me still needed a break.

T said I was brave to return in October and meet with him. He also said I returned to "set him straight".

At first, I thought he was joking. I asked if he really believed that was true, and he shook his head, and said "Yes. AND. You were RIGHT!"

That is HUGE for me. HUGE.

I told T that, I KNEW, somehow in the midst of T #1 terminating me, I lost myself. I trusted him (T#1), more than I trusted ME (and my own instincts). He was the professional. He was the expert. I blamed me because HE blamed me. (Later, T#2 said my first T refused to see the bad parts of himself...and they were friends! At the time, I didn't understand what she meant. I do now)

Anyway, in September, when current T and I had the rupture, I did it again.

T reminded me to ALWAYS listen to my inner voice and be curious about what is being said. He made me feel SO smart.

I really can trust myself again!

Sigh.

I LOVE my T.

I love that he is more concerned about my well being, than his own.

I cherish my relationship with him, even with it's (sometimes, silly and stupid) limitations.

I hope I can hold onto all of the positive feelings I feel in this moment.

I T.