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Dec 13, 2011, 03:11 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 12,863
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Quote:
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The weird thing is, certain situations are much easier. Situations that are structured, planned, predictable, or that I'm familiar with are easier. I know what could typically happen, so it's easier to avoid screwing up everything. I can teach a class full of kids at a karate school just fine, but I can't have a normal conversation with one or two people. Teaching karate is structured, predictable.
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I really appreciate seeing this issue verbalized in the way you have put it. I have this same tendency to almost become a different person in some contexts. I am socially avoidant and, yet, can be confident with interpersonal interactions in certain types of situations. When I read the word "structured" in your comment about where you can feel comfortable, it made me feel less alone in my experience. Also, I understand what you mean when you say "The weird thing is . . . " It's like we have two different modes that we can operate in. There is one where we feel effectively functional, and there is one where we don't. Between the two is quite a disconnect.
I have actually been told a few times by other people that they couldn't get over how I seemed like someone who was "out of it" or "troubled" or had some kind of a real problem, and then they would see me seem like I was just fine and tuned in and had a good personality - in specific situations. The way they described me, it sounded like they, too, were saying that it seemed weird to them that I could almost be two different people.
I'm not talking about any kind of multiple personality thing, and I'm sure you are not either, Nemo. In structured situations, like in some jobs I've had, I could interact with complete confidence. (Like I just knew exactly what my role was and how to play it and even enjoy it.) Then I would walk into the cafeteria at the job and go sit at a table by myself because I felt clueless about how to join other people for lunch. I read that persons with this kind of pattern tend to over-monitor themselves and self-criticize a lot. What I haven't found is any real good advice on how to not do that.
Over the years, I've improved a lot. That happened real slowly. At the rate I am learning how to interpret social cues, I just won't live long enough to ever be what I would consider normal, socially. It is a cross to bear and, outside of Psych Central, I don't run into others who discuss experiencing this.
I think Caretaker Leo has some good insight. His point about people not being born with good communication abilities sounds true to me. Then he identifies perfectionism as being a trait that can make it harder to become socially more skillful. He must be on to something, because I've been told repeatedly by therapists and others who just know me that I am overly focused on having things I do or say be just exactly right, which is very inhibiting on spontaneity.
Here are some old sayings that I try to keep in mind:
"Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."
"Good enough is good enough."
"He who makes no mistakes does nothing."
I think, Nemo, that you already apply these principles on many fronts of your life. You have things that you succeed at. The tricky thing is to apply that thinking to social, or interpersonal, relations. I'll be the first to admit - easier said than done. Anxiety is a real bear of a problem. I've heard professional entertainers say that the only way to get good at what they do is to be totally willing to endure the pain of making a complete fool of yourself. I think that's what we may be fearing when we fear rejection.
Kind of a rambling post. Mainly, I wanted to say: "I can relate."
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