*** POSSIBLE TRIGGER ***

I was so uncomfortable with the idea of bringing up my email when I had that meltdown....but I did. We started talking about my feelings about the email....

And then it led to how I have so much negative self-talk....my internal critic puts me down SO often....and T explained to me how it may sound like my voice, but what I'm saying doesn't fit. It's what's been told to me before, that has become ingrained in me....and that I need to recognize it as such.

I told him that I wish I didn't get so panicky. He wanted us to try to work through a panicky feeling, to find the root - and once the root is found and put in its place, the panicky feeling would dissipate - but I wasn't feeling it at that moment. He suggested we create some....I told him that all I had to do was put my back to a window or door, and I get panicky.

I looked at the door, realizing it was SHUT (which it always is)...and I immediately felt triggered and panicky....I had SUCH a hard time working through that....I told him that I felt stupid and that it's ridiculous for me to be triggered like that....

After a lot of him talking and suggesting....it all boiled down to....It is not stupid or ridiculous...it's perfectly reasonable for me to have that kind of reaction as it's a reminder of some really awful things...AND it's not stupid, it's just embarrassing.

At the end of the session, T reassured me that he is never hurt or offended by any of my work that may involve him - whether it's a dream I had, or something he said or wrote, or anything. It's my work, and he's glad to be a part of it even if "he's stimulated in an unpleasant way".

OUCH.....

I never thought in a million years that my triggers would have an unpleasant affect on him.....and even though he was trying to reassure me that it's OK to go there and to feel those things, he's not hurt or offended....it was like a kick in the gut.

I told T that I do not feel unsafe with him. He asked, "Would you have this same reaction with the door closed if you were at home?"....I responded, "Sometimes".....

T felt as though we accomplished a lot...but I'm having a really hard time with this new information. Which - again - to me is ridiculous because he said it in the context of trying to let me give myself permission to go there....and that he is in no way harmed by any of it....

So why am I having such a hard time with this?

Blech. Therapy is hard.