|
Hello everyone and happy holidays.
Christmas is for most people the time of joy and family-gatherings, for others it's the time of sadness and loneliness. I'm one of those others and it's not easy at all. I got my first depression when I was 13 and I'm still struggling with it. I've many times considered committing suicide, but it never came to the point where I tried it.
I'm dealing with a lot of stress too and it's making me sick, like physically sick. I suffer from eczema and hair loss.
The reasons for my depression are many. It all started back in school, I was bullied every single day and it led to that I started to isolate myself from the other kids. As I got older I kept isolating myself, I kept thinking badly about myself and my self esteem went downhill. I got no help or support from my family, my sister started picking on me, my mom was angry and she locked me out. I was all alone with my problems and I didn't see a way out of it. I had no friends to talk with, everyone turned their backs on me.
I did fight and many times I attempted to make friends, be social and really appear like a person without problems. I sort of created a new perosnality, a mask. Whenever I was out side of my room I would smile and nod my way through the day, then when I got home I would break into tears.
My mom started denying that I had anything and she told me to pull myself together, so did my sister. It only made me feel worse, but I managed to put on a good face whenever they were around. I also made up lies about having friends so that it would seem believable.
I still do this, I still lie and fake a smile every now and then. Whenever I think about how miserable I am, I am so close to cry. Whenever I meet a little resistance I feel like screaming. I've become nothing but an empty shell, I never defend myself anymore. If I'm told to do something, I do it without complaining.
Last year my sister moved out of the house to live with her boyfriend. It is now only me and my 16 year old brother. I had to pause my education, because it didn't feel right to offer my help to others if I couldn't even help myself. So since May this year I've been staying home. I clean, I walk the dog, I help with the garden, I more or less do everything. We live in a big house, so there's a lot of daily cleaning to do.
My mom can't help much because she's suffering from a work-related injury, I have to take over for her.
My brother is dealing with ADHD, so I have to be careful when asking him for anything.
So in the end, I'll have to do it all and I kind of feel like Cinderella before she met the prince.
Everyday I'm struggling to maintain a good face, I fight off my depression in order to not fall apart.
I really feel like I give so much of myself and I get so little in return. I made an okay amount of money from my education (work/school= montly payment for attending) and I gave it all away. My sister needed money because she was running out, I said okay and handed it to her. I gave the rest of my money to my mom because my dog had gotten sick and she couldn't pay the bill from the vet. I expected my sister to pay me back when she could, but she turned to my mom and asked her to cover for it.
Now my sister is talking about buying new furniture, expensive vacations, new clothes and what not. Yet here I am, out of money and I need new clothes and a pair of winter boots. I only have one pair of pants, one pair of shoes, one pair of old winter boots from 2007. But I just can't get myself to ask for money or anything. I feel terrible whenever I think about asking. ;s I really also want buy Christmas presents for my mom and dad, but I don't have the money for it.
It's all so messed up and I'm not getting any better. My illness is taking it's toll on me, I'm feeling like my body will shut down any second.
I wish I knew how to get out of this, I wish I could stop being such a giving person.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar to this? How do I deal with my depression?
|