dubblemonkey, I don't know your situation, but all I can say from a human perspective from one person with bpd to another, try try try try try try try to take all that energy you had for her and put it into yourself. your art and your therapy and your meds and your friends and your outlets (like here) and your threads of faith and your slivers of happiness or reason(s) to live. try try try try try to put that energy into you. to make yourself as close to whole again as you can. one day at a time, or one second at a time ...