Tonight is the first weekly session I have not had with my T for about 18 months and it feels a little strange. I couldn't settle at one point this afternoon and when I checked the time, it was the time that I would be getting ready to leave to see T.

And typically, my work situation is really kicking off and I am in a major dispute with my manager. I am trying to think it through clearly, but am struggling - would have been soooo useful to have seen T today to discuss it.

But still I tell myself I survived 44 years without ever stepping inside a T's office before, so there is a part of me that knows how to do something resembling life without the support of T. So I am sure I will be fine.

But then I worry, if I am fine for these 3 weeks, how do I get myself back into the whole T thing? I had got used to not having that money in my pocket, but what if I do survive this time, will I want to re-engage with T or enjoy that extra money every month?

I am not sure why I am writing this - maybe just seeking to connect somewhere in the absence of T.