I am sitting here wondering how on earth I got here.

10 minutes ago I held a razor to me face with full intentions of shaving the skin off my face...I felt evil and had to be punished...still feel as though I should be punished. I believe I was born bad and I am hurting the only person who truly loves me in so many ways. I am abusive and manipulative beyong belief and am very good at it. I am sitting here very calm at the moment but 10 minutes ago the razor was within an inch from my face when I bit down hard on my wrist and dropped the razor....I looked into the mirror and head butted my reflection...feeling and liking the pain. I proceeded to rip out some of my hair.......my golden fleece as I would otherwise refer to it. For the past while I feel as though I have been over taken by some alien...a little being inside of me that really literally feels alien. The person I knew before has gone, vanished and tonight I grieved the loss of a woman I believed to be loving, caring and deep down, worthwhile. For the past while, while this alien has taken over me, I felt nothing...until tonight. I felt the loss and I saw with clarity the monster of a person I have become....a monster of a person that that cannot relate to anyone and looks at the world as if through a glass window with my nose pressed hard against the window pain begging to be let in. People all around look weak and feeble, they, as I did tonight, let emotions run their lives and it made me want to vomit in the bathroom sink as I thought of the cancer we call the human race.

I have taken a hand full of seroquel (no, not an overdose) and I look forward to its dazing effects....tomorrow, I will just have to deal with it when it comes.